Good Day

I had a good day. Better than I have in a quite some time. I spent the day with my friends Jessi, Cal and their Wee one. It was nice to escape for a few hours, get away from this nothingness. They treated me to dinner, definitely haven't had that in a while. For so long now I've been the one paying for everything. And when I get the chance I am treating them as well. But for now the point is that they took care of me. When I needed it the most, when I am the one going through a tough time. I love my friends and I feel so bad at the distance I have put there in the past. I was so concerned with TS and how to make him happy I stopped allowing myself those simple pleasures. Like hanging out with friends that you know what, we have drama, we don't always get along like we should, But they are always there when I need them. I miss that, I forgot what it was like to have someone really listen to me, have them ask how my day was and really mean it. Not just ask for the sake of asking. I am far from perfect in many ways, especially when it comes to a relationship. With that said I have been thinking a lot about the relationship I had with TS. I know I didn't always listen, but he didn't either. It was more of a routine we went through than a relationship. He just wanted the same old thing, no matter how much he said differently. I mean I suggested so many things and waited for him to get ready, waited for him to get of Xbox or to turn off the TV. And When he wanted to do something, ya sometimes I flaked and just plain didn't want to, but mainly I was tired. I work 5 days a week, 9 & a half hour shifts (30 minute commute) and when I got home I was tired. I didn't always want to get coffee and I said no a few times just to be asked and asked. He had things so easy and I gave in a lot of the time. Ok almost all the time basically. When he really wanted something we went and did it. When I wanted for valentines Day to go to the beach and take a walk. We got in a fight. He thought I didn't know what I wanted or that I wanted something fancy. And when I told him my plan, he just got quiet and never even went, even though just before I told him he said he wanted to walk more, wanted to do things, go out and not just sit around. 


For Valentines day I wanted to wake up to a card, Something written by him, didn't have to be bought or come with chocolates or jewelery, just something from his heart. Than go to the beach after either making something to eat or subway would have been fine. And Just walk, talk a bit and hold each other. Than come home and watch Ghost our valentines movie. I really don't think that is very much to ask. Is it? Am I in denial maybe that I wasn't asking a lot when I really was. I don't know. I just know that when things could have changed they didn't. Now he has the biggest change, our relationship over. I still wish it wasn't I just want a chance to see, I know that will never happen. But I can still wonder right? Still wonder what he is doing at this moment. If he is even thinking of me at all. If he even cares about all this. 


All My life I have had bad relationships. I know one thing though and it upsets me, as well as makes me happy at the same time. All my Ex's at one time or another want me back. It upsets me because they did it they caused the messes, the pain and once I moved on, once they got settled in how they should have been its time to try again. They feel bad of what they did, and whether they actually want to get back together or they simply want to be friends it was after me not with me they turned into the people I knew they could be. I am happy though that they come back. Sad yes, but hear me out a moment. They come back knowing they Fucked up, knowing I didn't deserve it. Still doesn't make it hurt less. But thinking on that makes me feel a little bit better. And When TS asks for me back (don't mean to sound egotistical, but it always happens) I want to be able to stand up tall, proud of myself, know I am put back together. And tell him to go fuck himself for missing out on the best thing ever to happen in his life. Doubt I'll be able to because at this moment I just want to be in his arms again, to feel his kiss. But that's where I want to be. 


I need to realize that all the way to my bones if I am going to make it out of this Fucked up mess. I am trying even though my mind changes every ten seconds from I fucking hate him to I miss him and want him home. I know messed up right? I shouldn't let someone get to me like this. But it happened. I let it get to this place. 


On a lighter note, I was talking to Jess about the Etsy shop I am creating and what my dream is. To have my very own business selling my own creations. Polymer clay jewelery, Bead jewelery, Things I've knitted (scarves, hats etc), paintings, and sculptures. It was nice to talk about those things, so now I can get back to that dream. And do it for me because it's what I want to do, not because I need the extra money to make it through until the next paycheck. And I hope she would like to join me, help me with some designs. I think she will enjoy it as well. 

Well, enough for tonight. I have to go get my kitten before she knocks another box over.
Good Night World and the Creatures that dwell in it.