2012 so far...

This year I decided that I would finally no matter what make it a better year. So far it is for the most part, got my art started and the more I make the better I feel. Going to be starting to sell my stuff soon too, which makes me very better about myself than I have in a long time.

On top of my art I am going to start working towards exercising everyday, starting twice a week. I'm also eating healthier, I should have started doing this a long time ago, but I admit that I have gotten lazy. No more though I have to stick to it continue to work towards my goal. And now unlike so many times before I have the support I need.

My last major goal for this year is to quit smoking, yes I know, it's a horrible habit. Which is why I want to and know I should quit. I'm smoking less and forcing myself to go longer and longer without having one. That way by the end of the winter/early spring I'll be smoke free.

I've been spending a lot of time lately thinking about the past year, and all that will be going on this year. It has me kind of scared to tell you the truth but at the same time so excited. By the end of the year, I would have been selling my art, new job, a new place, bills paid off and get to see my man more. We will get to have more of a non-complicated relationship, which I'm so very excited for. I can't wait to be spending nights with him, watching movies together, attempting my hand at making him diner and going out to do things.

This year is starting off a bit slow getting all this started, but I have no doubt in my mind it will happen. He gives me hope for everything. Soo excited!!

Changes

Sometimes in life, you need to make a change not just wait for it to happen. Over this past year I've grown more than I realized til now. Strange how looking back on previous can show you a kind of enlightenment you didn't quite see before. I've always sat back waiting for someone to help me make the changes I needed, but you have to do that for yourself. I want to be a better person, I want to prove my worth to myself. Strange how we never realize things til the last moment. Luckily for me I am starting to see those things, see how I want to grow. I've heard the advice "if you want to change, just do it" but it never really sunk in til now.

I met this man who changed me without even realizing he was doing it. He brought me hope with just a word, I started changing this year for the worst. And now I'm ending the year feeling at one of my best moments. He started the change in me I truly needed. Now, it's my turn to continue changing, growing, finding my way. I finally found that person who helps without knowing it, who makes me really feel. Feel everything, not numb or oblivious.

Everyone needs something or someone to help them start their change, their growth, but you, yourself have to continue it. If not you'll end up back at square one. Not getting to your potential.

This year for 2012, I will reach my goals. That is my resolution, just to be me. Do the things I want to do, with the people who matter to me. This is my year.

Ily M.

Have a good new year everyone. All the best in 2012 and may you find all u want in the year to come.

End of a horrid year...

Just realized it's been a long time since my last post. There is just to much to explain. If you have read any of my previous blogs you would at least know about my Ex and I breaking up and that drama. And a bit about my life over this last year. Now everything has changed. I need to change. Drastically. I need to find myself again, push my limits, become a better person.

I found out my ex has actually been in and out of mental hospitals since he left me. Hard to know what to think considering, I am not heartless I still care for him dearly. But I've spent the past what 8 months now? Thinking he has been with his Ex, completely over me and happy. Now I find out NO, he's emotionally unstable. And I found out from a Crown attorney representative. Not even his dad told me. Really? I may not be family, I may no longer be in his life. But We were each others lives for 3 years, I deserved to know. Deserved to be worried. 

Oh I lost my job last week too. Way too much drama to even try to explain, but short version... ..
 - I am seeing a Guy I was working with (he just got a better job about a month ago). It's complicated. Someone at work took these complications personally and basically fought to have me fired. The guy I'm seeing is incredible, and it just happened. I wasn't looking. To tell you the truth I gave up. I had accepted that I would never find someone and I would only concentrate on my life nothing more.
 - He has a past riddled with as much loss and drama as my own. He is such a strong man. In the short amount of time we've been together already I can already say beyond a shadow of a doubt, I love him. I've never felt so strongly, so quickly, so absolutely before about anyone, about anything. He is my miracle in life.
 - But even with this which except with the me getting fired part things sound good. It's so complex and none of my business to fully say. Let's just leave it at he has just experienced a tragedy. And I can't even be there for him. (part of the complication). 

Guess I just have to hope next year will be better all around right?




No Parent should lose a child, Never so young and never twice. 

Blogging Time...

So Since I got a Twitter message from @dramaticmama I thought I should probably update this with a new blog entry. Sorry it's been a little while again, just not used to having this. And also there's been so much going I don't know what to type here considering I am so used to just dealing with it myself. So here is a brief list of the going Ons in my life since the last blog.... 

• Still trying to get shit back from my Ex. (my 56 movies, A cable for my monitor and my other Laptop)
• Work.. Ugh work, Don't get me wrong I do like my job surprisingly, I work at a call center and my co-workers are awesome. But the goals of what they want us to do can be quite ridiculous. Luckily I have a new Awesome Manager who as we speak is helping me fight for a raise. :) Thanks Sir. 
• Took my Cat to the vet. She is okay, Very healthy but UGH! so Much, She had to get all her shots, than found out a week later there was still one more she needed. My little Cozmo is getting fixed soon (once I get the money). And now I have to brush her teeth  :S weird but okay
• About the brushing of my cats teeth, well I told my friends at work and take your mind to the dirtiest place of that gutter. Ya, that's right I hear those jokes all day now. Its quite funny but I can't yet look at my cat the same. lol
• MONEY ISSUES!! Still my biggest problem, Trying to pay off my bills almost done one which is already cancelled. The MasterCard is next halfway there, than it gets the chop. Lastly Visa which I am keeping as ONLY emergency use card and to help bring my credit back up. 
• CAR! I need/want my own car so badly I have it picked out and everything. The new Cruze LS+, it is amazing and Affordable so me as long as I can pay off my cards more. The worst part is that I may need a cosigner. But here's the thing. I cannot ask my mom, 1. She hates to be put on anything she never has before, 2.  This part pisses me off. She has a loan right now for my Brother. That's right she took out a loan for my Younger Brother for college but won't Co sign for her daughter who has been working her ass off since she was 16!! 
• Oh, one of my Best friends and I got into a huge fight. He thinks it has something to do with Me telling him how to parent his child, Which I admit looking back it did really kinda come out that way. But it wasn't that. I am Sorry but any man/person (friend or not) who says that instead of letting a friend (his GF) and Baby (under a year old) go to a Family oriented pride parade to help support me the one time I ask, but would have the nerve to say to ME someone who has been cheated on by EVERY and I mean EVERY boyfriend she has every had that It would have been fine to take him to a Truck parade full of bimbo woman showing off. I mean really was I wrong to get mad at that. I understand if it had been Toronto I wouldn't take my child either for more than one reason. But really? I never ask for anything I wanted one day to Open up to my other side, embrace another part of me with my best friend, and a friend from work. Who were the only friends that would have come. He wouldn't have even if I asked him and told him it meant a lot to have some support. Which it would have been great to have his support, The day did mean a lot to me and this is what I get. Sorry little rant there. I know the way it came out was bad. But was I wrong?

So that is basically the list. Well it is now 4am and I have to work tomorrow. 3:30 pm until 1:00 am. Than Casino with my mother and some of her friends Sunday. AT 7AM!! Definitely having some energy drinks and staying awake. Maybe I'll remember my camera and take some pictures. I will try, no promises though. 

Good Nightie to all those Slumberers.

Been a While

Hello, 
So I haven't really written a blog entry in a while and mood kind of hit me just as I was about to play some Xbox 360 & Kinect. Not to much to report sad to say. Started my vacation on Sunday. Glad to be off work but yesterday having the house to myself... Well not what I expected. But before I go into that time to update.


Since my last blog as I said kind of been boring, All I seem to do lately is work, if you follow me on Twitter than you see about 90% of my tweets are stating I am at work. It sucks that it seems to be all I do, but I as everyone else does, need the money to pay all my bills. But This week is my Vacation (9 days off to relax). :)


Saturday I finished Work at 10pm and than headed home. Packed up some Stuff and headed to Dramatic Mama's, got there a bit late but they weren't mad. I still feel bad though. The reason I went up so late was that on Sunday we had planned a mini road trip, C has lived in that area pretty much his whole life and knows some amazingly beautiful spots. We woke up kinda early (early for me not for them) got ready and left on our way. Was a lot of fun, but I would recommend a spare set of pants, I sat on my chocolate milk :(  Wasn't too bad and didn't get much on me. But Pj pants are not the best when that happens. We say some gorgeous little lakes, streams and waterfall like places. Even Stopped in to surprise a friend of theirs. Overall Amazing! Poor little D though, he was sick he seemed okay one moment than crying and sad the next. But I know he had a good time considering all the smiles.  


I also stayed Sunday night, so that means I woke up there for my Birthday morning. Yup just turned 22. Ugh I hate getting older. Dramatic Mama and I played some awesome rounds of Just Dance for Wii. Very fun and tiring. Can't wait until she can try my Kinect. We had a  chill day, she started to get D's cold, so we lounged outside for a bit and plain relaxed. When C got home from work he was a bit upset to here I was going home, said he owes me a Birthday Dinner!! :D yum can't wait because he is a good cook. maybe I should request a BBQ. Bring him my request than he cooks lol, Sounds like a plan to me. 


Monday was my Birthday, Got home and had to go to a Visitation of someone I went to High School with. I wasn't sure about going, I didn't really hang out with him and didn't want to offend or intrude. But my mom is kinda close to his so I went with her to show the family support. Not something anyone wants to do on their birthday but I am glad I went. He was 21 and died 6 weeks after being Diagnosed with Cancer. Definitely not something you expect to hear. I am going to be making a donation to The Canadian Cancer society for him, I know it hits home for a lot of people sadly so feel free to donate to the cause so maybe one day day people like Nick can Have a better fighting chance. 


RIP Nick, You will be missed by Everyone. Standing in the room, seeing all those you touched there was a sad and amazing sight. I always saw you smiling in the halls, and now I see you spread that smile wide and far. You will be missed Greatly. 


After that I can't really write anything else, It  would seem meaningless so I will leave the rest until another day. I leave you with this
 > Don't waste the day, You really never know when it will be you last or even the last of someone you Love. Take the small seconds in a day to smell the flowers, really look at a child smile, To memorize your loves face piece by piece. Hold those memories tight. <


TO all those soul lost Before their time, and those loved so dearly. 


RIP Nanny, Papa, Brad, Andrew, Nick, little Keegan and all those other lost ones out there.

Rant, Vent, better now. :)

So. ya.. I was going to Blog a few days ago but trust me would not have been good. Short part of that would be that I was FINALLY supposed to get my property back for Sir fucking Ex over the past weekend. I messaged his dad Tuesday after not hearing from him to find out Ex Asshole went away for the weekend and is as far as I know still where ever the fuck he went. His mom tried to find my stuff but couldn't. I know his parents are trying but really? Why tell me? Could have just said "sorry couldn't meet up to grab your stuff but this weekend ok?" Instead of that. AHHHH!! If I had of written a blog entry that day about 98% would have just been swears. Been advised to go to small claims court. OH Effin Monkey Firetruckin Turtle Crack. (can't even swear right anymore). Debating I should but I really don't want to, and to make matters worse My mom is pushing to me to just buy a new SIM card for the phone so my brother can start using it. WHAT?? We've talked about giving that phone to my brother because he has my old old one. But I never said yes. I love my brother don't get me wrong. That fact is that he has never had a job, doesn't pay for anything himself, including school (FYI I was never told I had a chance to have my schooling paid for) so why should I give him an IPhone when yes he get good grades, but he hasn't worked (real world worked) and learned to earn things. Someone tell my mom, she won't let me say otherwise. I understand but until he has a job I can't do it, my mom will end up paying for it anyway which means. Another thing he gets handed to him while I have to work my Ass off, and she left me to pay for two phones for uhmm a year all by myself. UGH.


Well, I wasn't really going to rant tonight but guess it had to come out at some point. But other that that drama I am feeling a bit better about me. I have been added small routines to my days to help get some much needed order to them. Did a Wii "Just Dance" workout. Tired but felt so nice to release that energy. Work is okay too, can't complain except for the I DUN WANNA GO feeling I have been having lately. Only 2 more weeks til my holiday. CAN'T FUCKING WAIT PEOPLE! Sorry lots of capitals and swearing today. In another quite strange mood. Hopefully this is good sign :S    But since I kind of ranted more than I wanted to I completely forgot if there was something I'm missing I wanted to included.  *scratches head* oh Well. Tired so getting ready for bed. 

Phone plugged in

Alarms set

Energy drink beside bed to assist in wake up process

Kitten food ready to go

Work bag ready and waiting

Good Night To You Out There 

Working, working, working.....

So been a little busy lately taking lots of extra hours at work to help finally pay off all my bills and get my own car. But been wearing myself a little thin. And also lately I just want to keep up this for the most part happy mood so work is helping me kind of just worry about work and nothing else. Don't have much to report I am sorry to say. But have some cute pictures of kitten to put up soon and some of my already done art, and hopefully get a few of my current projects.


My mood this week has for the most part been good. Only had one break down day, so i guess that's a good sign that I am slowly getting past all this fucking drama. Still waiting to get my stuff back. UGH!! Been almost a month and my Ex still has some of my shit. But from the sounds of it his luck isn't going so well, so to that in this happy and strange mood I seem to be in tonight.  " AHAHAHAHAHAHA.. fuck you". I think part of this better mood has been created by Jess, C and their wee one. And also a bit by me realizing (and I have thought about this from every angle but still my opinion) that over the last almost 3 years with TS that I tried so hard gave everything to that relationship. I have my faults but openly admitted what they were and tried to work on them. So I did nothing wrong. Still Have those days where I see a happy couple or hear about another baby being hatched that I somewhat break down. Considering only about a month ago TS and I were talking about one day getting married and starting a family together. I still wish as well that I could find out why he did this. I am about 80% sure of why but I guess as my mom keeps telling me for closure purposes I need to here it from him. Well not going to happen. Oh another wonderful mess that is.


On a lighter note my Dad and I are on this Sunday evening going to get the Schnoodle (half Schnauzer, half Poodle) that my Dad is saving from a shelter. He needs a dog, he always has. I would rather though have a lab or German Shepard. Small dogs can be quite annoying, and a schnoodle?? Really Dad? Meh, going meet the little guy on Sunday so we will see how this goes. Hopefully This dog whose name is Toby will Get along with my Cosmo Kitty.


..... .... ... ... 


Sorry she must have heard me dirty look from the kitten. She's still mad that I kicked her off my laptop so I could Blog. The picture is on my twitter but will put it here soon. Well best me watching an episode of Farscape than cuddle up with Cosmo and fall asleep. 


Good Nighty to All those out there.