Wishing

I want my life back. I want some form of life back. I was happy, blissfully so. I had someone to share my life with, Had plans, had something to fight for, to get out of life. Now, well now I have nothing. No one to hold me, no one to kiss me goodnight. No one to share my life with. I found love twice in this life and both times it went to hell. Was ripped from my grasp at its prime. After the first time I never thought I could have that feeling again and I accepted that. I was content with that. Than I found someone who with a single look made time stand still. i never thought I would get that feeling again. But I found it, I had someone who cared about me back and wasn't just trying to please me. At least thats what i thought. But no, With the men I truely care for, the ones that make life worth living for me. They have to try, They have to put themselves through some sort of trial just to get through a day with me. Why? I am not that difficult? am i? That you need to try when I've always been myself. I may be shyer than I once was, or not want to party as much, but isn't that someone that isn't so bad. Guess it is.

I had love twice, had that love where time stands still and your heart feels full to the brim. That love that causes everything else to seem unimportant. Because they are the other half of your heart. How am I supposed to find that now? now that twice its ripped from me, Twice I have been standing there alone, my heart torn to pieces and scattered to the wind. I feel nothing I can't even cry right now, even though every pore and part of my being wants to. Wants to just let it out. But I can't because I have no one there.

Life just keeps getting worse with time not better. Never better. I am broken. Not worth fixing, well maybe for fun just to break me from the inside out again. How can I trust anything. tomorrow won't bring happiness or anything good. Time just brings pain and Torment. More hurt. Life goes on though right. You have to stand tall. I am not standing just I don't have the guts to fully give up. So guess i will just live. Live for the sake of living nothing more.

Good Day

I had a good day. Better than I have in a quite some time. I spent the day with my friends Jessi, Cal and their Wee one. It was nice to escape for a few hours, get away from this nothingness. They treated me to dinner, definitely haven't had that in a while. For so long now I've been the one paying for everything. And when I get the chance I am treating them as well. But for now the point is that they took care of me. When I needed it the most, when I am the one going through a tough time. I love my friends and I feel so bad at the distance I have put there in the past. I was so concerned with TS and how to make him happy I stopped allowing myself those simple pleasures. Like hanging out with friends that you know what, we have drama, we don't always get along like we should, But they are always there when I need them. I miss that, I forgot what it was like to have someone really listen to me, have them ask how my day was and really mean it. Not just ask for the sake of asking. I am far from perfect in many ways, especially when it comes to a relationship. With that said I have been thinking a lot about the relationship I had with TS. I know I didn't always listen, but he didn't either. It was more of a routine we went through than a relationship. He just wanted the same old thing, no matter how much he said differently. I mean I suggested so many things and waited for him to get ready, waited for him to get of Xbox or to turn off the TV. And When he wanted to do something, ya sometimes I flaked and just plain didn't want to, but mainly I was tired. I work 5 days a week, 9 & a half hour shifts (30 minute commute) and when I got home I was tired. I didn't always want to get coffee and I said no a few times just to be asked and asked. He had things so easy and I gave in a lot of the time. Ok almost all the time basically. When he really wanted something we went and did it. When I wanted for valentines Day to go to the beach and take a walk. We got in a fight. He thought I didn't know what I wanted or that I wanted something fancy. And when I told him my plan, he just got quiet and never even went, even though just before I told him he said he wanted to walk more, wanted to do things, go out and not just sit around. 


For Valentines day I wanted to wake up to a card, Something written by him, didn't have to be bought or come with chocolates or jewelery, just something from his heart. Than go to the beach after either making something to eat or subway would have been fine. And Just walk, talk a bit and hold each other. Than come home and watch Ghost our valentines movie. I really don't think that is very much to ask. Is it? Am I in denial maybe that I wasn't asking a lot when I really was. I don't know. I just know that when things could have changed they didn't. Now he has the biggest change, our relationship over. I still wish it wasn't I just want a chance to see, I know that will never happen. But I can still wonder right? Still wonder what he is doing at this moment. If he is even thinking of me at all. If he even cares about all this. 


All My life I have had bad relationships. I know one thing though and it upsets me, as well as makes me happy at the same time. All my Ex's at one time or another want me back. It upsets me because they did it they caused the messes, the pain and once I moved on, once they got settled in how they should have been its time to try again. They feel bad of what they did, and whether they actually want to get back together or they simply want to be friends it was after me not with me they turned into the people I knew they could be. I am happy though that they come back. Sad yes, but hear me out a moment. They come back knowing they Fucked up, knowing I didn't deserve it. Still doesn't make it hurt less. But thinking on that makes me feel a little bit better. And When TS asks for me back (don't mean to sound egotistical, but it always happens) I want to be able to stand up tall, proud of myself, know I am put back together. And tell him to go fuck himself for missing out on the best thing ever to happen in his life. Doubt I'll be able to because at this moment I just want to be in his arms again, to feel his kiss. But that's where I want to be. 


I need to realize that all the way to my bones if I am going to make it out of this Fucked up mess. I am trying even though my mind changes every ten seconds from I fucking hate him to I miss him and want him home. I know messed up right? I shouldn't let someone get to me like this. But it happened. I let it get to this place. 


On a lighter note, I was talking to Jess about the Etsy shop I am creating and what my dream is. To have my very own business selling my own creations. Polymer clay jewelery, Bead jewelery, Things I've knitted (scarves, hats etc), paintings, and sculptures. It was nice to talk about those things, so now I can get back to that dream. And do it for me because it's what I want to do, not because I need the extra money to make it through until the next paycheck. And I hope she would like to join me, help me with some designs. I think she will enjoy it as well. 

Well, enough for tonight. I have to go get my kitten before she knocks another box over.
Good Night World and the Creatures that dwell in it.

Putting life back on track.

I feel better today. Still stressed and unsure of whats going to happen  now. But definitely better. Had bonding with my Dad yesterday, some bonding with my mom today. Feels like things are getting somewhat back on track. I've messed up a lot of things in my life, especially recently. It is hard to know where to begin in fixing it. In making things better between my family and I. Between my friends and I there is a lot. Friends I haven't really been there for in quite some time, friends I stopped talking to as much because it bugged Thomas. I feel horrible and want to fix it. Not quite sure how, but I will find a way to do so.

Today is some me time though. Bonding with family, not getting out of my PJs, Maybe some art today. And just some plain old relaxing with Cozmo kitty, while we watch some Charmed or Angel. Maybe even play some Wii if I feel up to it later.

Still  have lots of worrying deep down, regrets and pain I don't want to show. I know it takes time, but I wish it didn't. At least now I can take some time to worry about me. To get my life back to where I want it. Pay off my own debt, no longer someone Else's. Save up for my own car and apartment. And hopefully sometime in the month of April I can start my Etsy shop and sell my own designs. That is the plan as of yet, I will do all I can do make that happen. Hopefully these things of drama won't put this on hold. Won't hold me back any longer.

Ta Ta for now World and all of its inhabitants.

Just a Waiting Game.

Finished a bit of the drama-fest today. It was good to get it over, I've been so nervous over it. Not something I ever want to go through again, EVER. Not going into more detail sorry. 


Got home and my brother went out. It was just myself and my dad, it doesn't happen that often. My mom was at work. You see I love my family, I love my Mom, my Brother and my Dad. But I was an, I guess you could say unruly Teen, did a lot of rebelling which caused many fights. Especially with my Dad, I get most of my stubbornness from him. Over the years though I understand him better. I get why he is the way he is. We can talk, a little. Not a serious heart to heart mind you but we share our interests. Today I had a good time, he bbq'd me some sausages for lunch, I showed him some of the things that interest me like some youtube videos (a day made of glass, The Makerbot, and the Hp touchpad). It was nice, later today he actually went to visit someone he works with to show them the day of glass video. Which means a lot to me. It was a good day. I needed that, with having to run that errand this morning I really expected for a crappy day filled of drama and just unpleasant.


Still really stressed because of the drama with me and my Ex. But slowly getting it out. Just have to try and be patient for this stupid call. I know there's a lot going on, but it really does feel as if no one on his side is considering my feelings, my schedule, just me at all. I didn't cause this and if I had a choice this would not be going on at all. I didn't. I got some nice words today too. Supposedly I am too nice and too patient. I guess reading this is a hard way to tell if I am or not. But I thought those qualities were good? Though anything can be bad in great abundance I suppose. 


I still have this feeling deep, down inside me that I deserve this. This torment and pain. I am a firm believer in Karma, so if this is happening and seem to be some sort of life story for me. Than what did I do that was so horrible to deserve this? How can I change that? How can I make sure I have that balance of doing good, and having good in my life? Great questions of life that no one can really answer. I can't shake this feeling though, I know I treated him like gold, I really did. He wanted beer, he got beer. He wanted an Xbox game, he got an Xbox game. He wanted to go out, he went out. I did so much, yet this is what I get in return. How is that fair in any way, shape or form.


Ugh. Still have a lot of things to figure out. But on a bit of a lighter note Here's some pictures of my kitten that made me smile yesterday.

sleepy...

And the stretching begins.

OMFG!! is that the Shaytards. :)

Good Night world and all those in it.

Packing.. .. Cleaning.. .. Quiet.. ..

Today, I got pretty much all of his stuff packed. My mom helped so we could get it all done and over with. Right now taking a little break my mom is vacuuming which is very nice. At this moment I don't really care but I know she wants to keep busy and help me get myself organized.


Break .. .. 
work.. .. 


And.. .. 
Ok done vacuuming. Bed has all new sheets and some new pillow. A few of his boxes just need to be taped up and some need the random stuff thats left. Put the phone he has of mine on hold so he can't use it.


 Its, strange, extra quiet. I know he's been gone a few days now but, it's starting to hit. that lonely empty feeling again. There should be the sound of an xbox going. Of laughing, swearing, talking. The sound of a movie going. Even the cat is quiet today. It's creepy. For about three years now that has been the sounds of my life. What I came home to after work, what the weekends were filled with. Now, just nothing. Emptiness, loneliness, Absolute quiet. It's strange how much someone can effect you, how those little matter so much. For example, I will never feel his touch again, never get another hug or feel his lips on mine. Never see him laugh at me on one of my blonde moments. Happened quite a bit. Never see him smile at me. Never get another kiss goodnight. I won't find his things randomly around. I'll even miss his messes and workout stuff. 


I had finally realized that he healed my heart from previous breaking, That he was my life. And that I could truely, honestly say that my heart in all its whole was his. Now this, .. .. this.. .. Nothing. Maybe That ruined it. Because I has told him that I had realized he was the only one who could make me cry. Sounds like a weird thing to be happy of, but over my life I have realized that only those I loved with my whole heart and soul can make me cry. And by telling him it ruined everything we had. I ruined what was once great, turned it into something ugly and hate filled. I can honestly say I still love him with all my heart but I know nothing can ever fix this. I will always love you TS. I wish you all the happiness I can. Hopefully one day you can figure things out and be where you wish to be. 


Goodnight World and readers of this tale. 

Waiting... ... ..

Well Today was a bust in some ways. My mother helped in in packing up most of my ex's stuff. But no one has given me a fucking call to tell me what is going on. Nice huh? Trying to find out what to do because he has a few of my things that I need like yesterday. Such as a phone that I am paying for. Yes I am an idiot and gave my bf a phone and paid for it fully. I know already know that was one of the stupidest things I've ever done. But what can ya do. I can't change whats done. What I want is to do SOMETHING! Some - Fucking - thing. All I am doing is packing. No one has had the decency to call me and say when I can get my stuff back and when someone will come get his. It's bullshit. Fucking Bullshit. And I want to apologize now for the most swearing I think I have ever done and hopefully will ever do in my blogging career. I normally don't swear too much, guess it's just been building and this seems like a good place to release it.


So Basically there are a few of his things to be packed away. Than its the waiting game but hopefully Tomorrow I will get that call and finally know what is happening. I feel sick not knowing. I mean physically sick, I feel like throwing up whenever I eat (which is only once a day and something small) Juice and milk aren't agreeing with me only water is. This stress, this unknowing it's getting to me big time. Wanted to let that out.


One last thought though. I've been thinking back on my life so far, and I really am Miss Unlucky. All I wanted for some time now was to get to that step where I can start a family. Have a baby, be a mom. Thinking back on all that, I have realized that it is just a dream. Unattainable. For

1. My luck with guys is well.. .. HORRID, They either cheat on me, Just leave, Move and forget to tell me we were over or like this last time make me fall head over heels in love just to let me find out I was the 3 fucking year rebound. Yay fucking Me. 
2. I am not that organized, I start things I don't finish. Don't get me wrong I am working on it. Just I need to straighten out what I want to do, how I want to do it first. Which may take a long time.
3. Sometimes I have enough trouble taking care of myself. I am not one to self motivate, For years my room has never been well clean. Working on that too but as I mentioned not that into cleaning. Trying to change that outlook. 
4. Financial Stability - not my forte, I am quite spontaneous and impulsive. Sales are my enemy. have already gotten a bit better. But I help other before I help myself guess you could say good and bad at the same time. Considering I have Supported my Ex while we were together for the last .. year.. and a half.

Ya, not proud of that last fact but, I did. I am not the smartest when it comes to that. You could say I have a lot of issue. Not going into that at this moment might make a full blog just about my issues. Would be longer than this for sure. But basically those are the main points on why it is only a dream.  Glad I got that out. Feel a little better. Should go before I make this any longer. 

One last thing to get out. 

FUUUUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE. I HOPE KARMA GIVES YOU WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE FUCKER. 

Done now. Thanks world for letting me get that out.

Pictures.

I am sitting here on my laptop taking a break from all of this Crap. About the 10th break today because I get some done and than it just becomes overwhelming. FUCK!
While on my break I was looking at the photos of me and my ex over these past few years. I still just can't believe it. We both look so happy in those pictures. Did I change that much to make him suddenly hate me? What really happened? I feel like just crying but I don't want to cry anymore over him. I don't. All this seems to not want to end though. I took a week off work to get all this sorted and now I find out I may have to take more time off work because of this Fucking crap. You fucking caused it, you tore out my heart and stepped on it til there was nothing left. And I am the one having to take time off of work. Sit around waiting for a phone call in "a few days". WHY? How is that fair? What did I do so horribly wrong in my life to deserve this.


You know just a little while ago we were talking of getting married, having kids and a house. Now it all feels like some strange dream. Like I woke out of a coma to find it was all a big Fucking lie. That none of it was real. I can't even say this to him. I can't ask why, or what I did wrong. I can't apologize to his mother for all the drama I caused. I can't do anything but sit here. Packing away all this fucking shit. Looking at these things we got together, pictures of us together, clothes he wore and his side of the bed where he slept next to me for just under 3 years. His stuff still has his scent. Wow. I am sad. Really sad that I fell for a guy who would make me so undone. So lost and overwhelmed.


FUCK. maybe tomorrow I will get the call and it will be all over come the weekend. Heres to hoping right.

Beginning of the End.

Hi.

Basically I decided that I wanted to start this blog because I need a place to vent. A place with no judgement where I can release for the most part anonymously. 

I won't start to far back but the basic gist so far is that My boyfriend of almost 3 years and I just broke up. I really thought things were fine for the most part. They were definitely bumpy, but I guess I was to oblivious to notice the soulless and loveless relationship I was in. Drama ensued and here I am alone, We're not talking which makes him getting back his stuff and getting my stuff back difficult. 

I can't really go into detail and to tell you the truth I don't want to either. But yet again I am so very alone like all my previous relationships before. Only difference is that this was my longest relationship. The longest relationship before this was officially 4 months. Fucking Sad huh? But welcome to my life. 

So here I am packing his stuff, trying to help my cat to realize he is not coming back. It's hard to take in. My cat rubs against his stuff, gives me that evil eye every time I say he's not coming back. It's like trying to tell a young child during a divorce whats going on. They don't understand. I don't even understand all this. I had a plan, a life, goals and now, what do I have? A half empty room full of good and bad memories. A cat we got together. Stuff we bought together. And a whole where my heart once was. 

Is this my fucking life? Alone with a bunch of cats like a spinster lady? Someone who will never get to have a family of her own? 

??WHY??