Changes

Sometimes in life, you need to make a change not just wait for it to happen. Over this past year I've grown more than I realized til now. Strange how looking back on previous can show you a kind of enlightenment you didn't quite see before. I've always sat back waiting for someone to help me make the changes I needed, but you have to do that for yourself. I want to be a better person, I want to prove my worth to myself. Strange how we never realize things til the last moment. Luckily for me I am starting to see those things, see how I want to grow. I've heard the advice "if you want to change, just do it" but it never really sunk in til now.

I met this man who changed me without even realizing he was doing it. He brought me hope with just a word, I started changing this year for the worst. And now I'm ending the year feeling at one of my best moments. He started the change in me I truly needed. Now, it's my turn to continue changing, growing, finding my way. I finally found that person who helps without knowing it, who makes me really feel. Feel everything, not numb or oblivious.

Everyone needs something or someone to help them start their change, their growth, but you, yourself have to continue it. If not you'll end up back at square one. Not getting to your potential.

This year for 2012, I will reach my goals. That is my resolution, just to be me. Do the things I want to do, with the people who matter to me. This is my year.

Ily M.

Have a good new year everyone. All the best in 2012 and may you find all u want in the year to come.

End of a horrid year...

Just realized it's been a long time since my last post. There is just to much to explain. If you have read any of my previous blogs you would at least know about my Ex and I breaking up and that drama. And a bit about my life over this last year. Now everything has changed. I need to change. Drastically. I need to find myself again, push my limits, become a better person.

I found out my ex has actually been in and out of mental hospitals since he left me. Hard to know what to think considering, I am not heartless I still care for him dearly. But I've spent the past what 8 months now? Thinking he has been with his Ex, completely over me and happy. Now I find out NO, he's emotionally unstable. And I found out from a Crown attorney representative. Not even his dad told me. Really? I may not be family, I may no longer be in his life. But We were each others lives for 3 years, I deserved to know. Deserved to be worried. 

Oh I lost my job last week too. Way too much drama to even try to explain, but short version... ..
 - I am seeing a Guy I was working with (he just got a better job about a month ago). It's complicated. Someone at work took these complications personally and basically fought to have me fired. The guy I'm seeing is incredible, and it just happened. I wasn't looking. To tell you the truth I gave up. I had accepted that I would never find someone and I would only concentrate on my life nothing more.
 - He has a past riddled with as much loss and drama as my own. He is such a strong man. In the short amount of time we've been together already I can already say beyond a shadow of a doubt, I love him. I've never felt so strongly, so quickly, so absolutely before about anyone, about anything. He is my miracle in life.
 - But even with this which except with the me getting fired part things sound good. It's so complex and none of my business to fully say. Let's just leave it at he has just experienced a tragedy. And I can't even be there for him. (part of the complication). 

Guess I just have to hope next year will be better all around right?




No Parent should lose a child, Never so young and never twice. 

Blogging Time...

So Since I got a Twitter message from @dramaticmama I thought I should probably update this with a new blog entry. Sorry it's been a little while again, just not used to having this. And also there's been so much going I don't know what to type here considering I am so used to just dealing with it myself. So here is a brief list of the going Ons in my life since the last blog.... 

• Still trying to get shit back from my Ex. (my 56 movies, A cable for my monitor and my other Laptop)
• Work.. Ugh work, Don't get me wrong I do like my job surprisingly, I work at a call center and my co-workers are awesome. But the goals of what they want us to do can be quite ridiculous. Luckily I have a new Awesome Manager who as we speak is helping me fight for a raise. :) Thanks Sir. 
• Took my Cat to the vet. She is okay, Very healthy but UGH! so Much, She had to get all her shots, than found out a week later there was still one more she needed. My little Cozmo is getting fixed soon (once I get the money). And now I have to brush her teeth  :S weird but okay
• About the brushing of my cats teeth, well I told my friends at work and take your mind to the dirtiest place of that gutter. Ya, that's right I hear those jokes all day now. Its quite funny but I can't yet look at my cat the same. lol
• MONEY ISSUES!! Still my biggest problem, Trying to pay off my bills almost done one which is already cancelled. The MasterCard is next halfway there, than it gets the chop. Lastly Visa which I am keeping as ONLY emergency use card and to help bring my credit back up. 
• CAR! I need/want my own car so badly I have it picked out and everything. The new Cruze LS+, it is amazing and Affordable so me as long as I can pay off my cards more. The worst part is that I may need a cosigner. But here's the thing. I cannot ask my mom, 1. She hates to be put on anything she never has before, 2.  This part pisses me off. She has a loan right now for my Brother. That's right she took out a loan for my Younger Brother for college but won't Co sign for her daughter who has been working her ass off since she was 16!! 
• Oh, one of my Best friends and I got into a huge fight. He thinks it has something to do with Me telling him how to parent his child, Which I admit looking back it did really kinda come out that way. But it wasn't that. I am Sorry but any man/person (friend or not) who says that instead of letting a friend (his GF) and Baby (under a year old) go to a Family oriented pride parade to help support me the one time I ask, but would have the nerve to say to ME someone who has been cheated on by EVERY and I mean EVERY boyfriend she has every had that It would have been fine to take him to a Truck parade full of bimbo woman showing off. I mean really was I wrong to get mad at that. I understand if it had been Toronto I wouldn't take my child either for more than one reason. But really? I never ask for anything I wanted one day to Open up to my other side, embrace another part of me with my best friend, and a friend from work. Who were the only friends that would have come. He wouldn't have even if I asked him and told him it meant a lot to have some support. Which it would have been great to have his support, The day did mean a lot to me and this is what I get. Sorry little rant there. I know the way it came out was bad. But was I wrong?

So that is basically the list. Well it is now 4am and I have to work tomorrow. 3:30 pm until 1:00 am. Than Casino with my mother and some of her friends Sunday. AT 7AM!! Definitely having some energy drinks and staying awake. Maybe I'll remember my camera and take some pictures. I will try, no promises though. 

Good Nightie to all those Slumberers.

Been a While

Hello, 
So I haven't really written a blog entry in a while and mood kind of hit me just as I was about to play some Xbox 360 & Kinect. Not to much to report sad to say. Started my vacation on Sunday. Glad to be off work but yesterday having the house to myself... Well not what I expected. But before I go into that time to update.


Since my last blog as I said kind of been boring, All I seem to do lately is work, if you follow me on Twitter than you see about 90% of my tweets are stating I am at work. It sucks that it seems to be all I do, but I as everyone else does, need the money to pay all my bills. But This week is my Vacation (9 days off to relax). :)


Saturday I finished Work at 10pm and than headed home. Packed up some Stuff and headed to Dramatic Mama's, got there a bit late but they weren't mad. I still feel bad though. The reason I went up so late was that on Sunday we had planned a mini road trip, C has lived in that area pretty much his whole life and knows some amazingly beautiful spots. We woke up kinda early (early for me not for them) got ready and left on our way. Was a lot of fun, but I would recommend a spare set of pants, I sat on my chocolate milk :(  Wasn't too bad and didn't get much on me. But Pj pants are not the best when that happens. We say some gorgeous little lakes, streams and waterfall like places. Even Stopped in to surprise a friend of theirs. Overall Amazing! Poor little D though, he was sick he seemed okay one moment than crying and sad the next. But I know he had a good time considering all the smiles.  


I also stayed Sunday night, so that means I woke up there for my Birthday morning. Yup just turned 22. Ugh I hate getting older. Dramatic Mama and I played some awesome rounds of Just Dance for Wii. Very fun and tiring. Can't wait until she can try my Kinect. We had a  chill day, she started to get D's cold, so we lounged outside for a bit and plain relaxed. When C got home from work he was a bit upset to here I was going home, said he owes me a Birthday Dinner!! :D yum can't wait because he is a good cook. maybe I should request a BBQ. Bring him my request than he cooks lol, Sounds like a plan to me. 


Monday was my Birthday, Got home and had to go to a Visitation of someone I went to High School with. I wasn't sure about going, I didn't really hang out with him and didn't want to offend or intrude. But my mom is kinda close to his so I went with her to show the family support. Not something anyone wants to do on their birthday but I am glad I went. He was 21 and died 6 weeks after being Diagnosed with Cancer. Definitely not something you expect to hear. I am going to be making a donation to The Canadian Cancer society for him, I know it hits home for a lot of people sadly so feel free to donate to the cause so maybe one day day people like Nick can Have a better fighting chance. 


RIP Nick, You will be missed by Everyone. Standing in the room, seeing all those you touched there was a sad and amazing sight. I always saw you smiling in the halls, and now I see you spread that smile wide and far. You will be missed Greatly. 


After that I can't really write anything else, It  would seem meaningless so I will leave the rest until another day. I leave you with this
 > Don't waste the day, You really never know when it will be you last or even the last of someone you Love. Take the small seconds in a day to smell the flowers, really look at a child smile, To memorize your loves face piece by piece. Hold those memories tight. <


TO all those soul lost Before their time, and those loved so dearly. 


RIP Nanny, Papa, Brad, Andrew, Nick, little Keegan and all those other lost ones out there.

Rant, Vent, better now. :)

So. ya.. I was going to Blog a few days ago but trust me would not have been good. Short part of that would be that I was FINALLY supposed to get my property back for Sir fucking Ex over the past weekend. I messaged his dad Tuesday after not hearing from him to find out Ex Asshole went away for the weekend and is as far as I know still where ever the fuck he went. His mom tried to find my stuff but couldn't. I know his parents are trying but really? Why tell me? Could have just said "sorry couldn't meet up to grab your stuff but this weekend ok?" Instead of that. AHHHH!! If I had of written a blog entry that day about 98% would have just been swears. Been advised to go to small claims court. OH Effin Monkey Firetruckin Turtle Crack. (can't even swear right anymore). Debating I should but I really don't want to, and to make matters worse My mom is pushing to me to just buy a new SIM card for the phone so my brother can start using it. WHAT?? We've talked about giving that phone to my brother because he has my old old one. But I never said yes. I love my brother don't get me wrong. That fact is that he has never had a job, doesn't pay for anything himself, including school (FYI I was never told I had a chance to have my schooling paid for) so why should I give him an IPhone when yes he get good grades, but he hasn't worked (real world worked) and learned to earn things. Someone tell my mom, she won't let me say otherwise. I understand but until he has a job I can't do it, my mom will end up paying for it anyway which means. Another thing he gets handed to him while I have to work my Ass off, and she left me to pay for two phones for uhmm a year all by myself. UGH.


Well, I wasn't really going to rant tonight but guess it had to come out at some point. But other that that drama I am feeling a bit better about me. I have been added small routines to my days to help get some much needed order to them. Did a Wii "Just Dance" workout. Tired but felt so nice to release that energy. Work is okay too, can't complain except for the I DUN WANNA GO feeling I have been having lately. Only 2 more weeks til my holiday. CAN'T FUCKING WAIT PEOPLE! Sorry lots of capitals and swearing today. In another quite strange mood. Hopefully this is good sign :S    But since I kind of ranted more than I wanted to I completely forgot if there was something I'm missing I wanted to included.  *scratches head* oh Well. Tired so getting ready for bed. 

Phone plugged in

Alarms set

Energy drink beside bed to assist in wake up process

Kitten food ready to go

Work bag ready and waiting

Good Night To You Out There 

Working, working, working.....

So been a little busy lately taking lots of extra hours at work to help finally pay off all my bills and get my own car. But been wearing myself a little thin. And also lately I just want to keep up this for the most part happy mood so work is helping me kind of just worry about work and nothing else. Don't have much to report I am sorry to say. But have some cute pictures of kitten to put up soon and some of my already done art, and hopefully get a few of my current projects.


My mood this week has for the most part been good. Only had one break down day, so i guess that's a good sign that I am slowly getting past all this fucking drama. Still waiting to get my stuff back. UGH!! Been almost a month and my Ex still has some of my shit. But from the sounds of it his luck isn't going so well, so to that in this happy and strange mood I seem to be in tonight.  " AHAHAHAHAHAHA.. fuck you". I think part of this better mood has been created by Jess, C and their wee one. And also a bit by me realizing (and I have thought about this from every angle but still my opinion) that over the last almost 3 years with TS that I tried so hard gave everything to that relationship. I have my faults but openly admitted what they were and tried to work on them. So I did nothing wrong. Still Have those days where I see a happy couple or hear about another baby being hatched that I somewhat break down. Considering only about a month ago TS and I were talking about one day getting married and starting a family together. I still wish as well that I could find out why he did this. I am about 80% sure of why but I guess as my mom keeps telling me for closure purposes I need to here it from him. Well not going to happen. Oh another wonderful mess that is.


On a lighter note my Dad and I are on this Sunday evening going to get the Schnoodle (half Schnauzer, half Poodle) that my Dad is saving from a shelter. He needs a dog, he always has. I would rather though have a lab or German Shepard. Small dogs can be quite annoying, and a schnoodle?? Really Dad? Meh, going meet the little guy on Sunday so we will see how this goes. Hopefully This dog whose name is Toby will Get along with my Cosmo Kitty.


..... .... ... ... 


Sorry she must have heard me dirty look from the kitten. She's still mad that I kicked her off my laptop so I could Blog. The picture is on my twitter but will put it here soon. Well best me watching an episode of Farscape than cuddle up with Cosmo and fall asleep. 


Good Nighty to All those out there.

My week...

Been a little while since my last blog so thought I should write about how my week has been going so far. Feeling slightly better still have those days where I just want to break down, but not as often because the more time that goes by the more of an ass I'm realizing my ex really is. Got some of my stuff back but I'm not being nice anymore. I mean why should I be I was nice for 3 years, he ruined it so shouldn't he have to deal with the consequences? 


I've been back at work, and working quite a lot as well. Took a bunch of overtime hours over the last two weeks, for a few reasons. 1) I need the money I want to finally pay off all my bills and get my own car. 2) I need something to keep me busy. And so far I am able to do both. I work with some amazing people who are so supportive, and constantly making me smile which is definitely what I have been needing. I like my job for the most part, as much as anyone can like working in a call center. But get good pay and lots of incentives that sometimes are too good to pass by. 


Also I've been going up to Visit some friends. Jess, C and their little man D. It was a lot of fun, C mostly played with his truck but it was great seeing him so happy and focused. Jess, D and I went out to take some pictures of me, because I haven't really felt up to updating and taking some of myself over the last little while. But she helped feel really good about myself. Thanks Jess. It's good having a girl to talk to again too, mainly all my friends are guys. Don't get me wrong, guys are awesome but I'm a girl. I need girl time every so often, it's nice to have that back. Definitely visiting more, because it's always so fun and nice being around people who care. 


I know not too much detail into my week. Been pretty uneventful except for the trip to visit friends. Trying to get more fun and adventure in my life, just starting small for right now. Thinking of FINALLY starting my vlog once a week. Just not fully sure what to do, but guess I'll make that up as I go along. Finishing the set up of my art station too. So Pictures of that will be coming soon. 
For now enjoy some pictures Jess took of me. And a few of the kitty.

Cozmo Kitty Sleeping. 

Watching some Shaytards with me

Cozmo and I trying to nap

Below are the ones Jess took of me. Thanks again Hun!

Trouble sleeping.

As the title of this blog states, I seem to be having an issue sleeping. UGHHA! I have to work tomorrow, which is still weird for me being back at work, but gotta pay the bills right?

I am also still so all over the place, your probably tired of reading it, but one second I am fine. Than the next I am just about to burst with sadness. Can't wait until that phase stops because I know he is an utter asshole. But every so often the good bits come to mind. The sweet times, when he wrote me notes, gave me kisses without me asking. I miss those days. Something though I have realized is that is the past, no matter how much I want that back it can't be. He fucked it up and lost the future we would have had. I need the future, need to work on that not hope for the past. Guess that is my epiphany for tonight.

Been thinking a lot in the last little while. About what it is I want to do. All I know is that I still want to do my art, still create and make things that others can enjoy. So starting at some point this week, I have a project I want to start. Got pretty much everything set up and the supplies needed, now I just need to start it. I need to basically make sure I get things done. I have my motivation too, I just need to keep the momentum, The funny thing is TS created that motivation, Because when he comes back, begging for me back. Realizing he gave up the only person who truly understands him and loves him beyond a doubt. Unlike his little tryst from the past. I want to be able to stand there and have him see what he truly missed. A beautiful (skinner) woman who is successful doing what she loves and not hindered by his cruelty, by his leaving her to rot. That is my goal, maybe not for the best reasons, but it will make me push myself, and better myself for me at the same time.

Who knows what the future will hold, but one thing I know is we can only make our own choices. Choose which way we want to go, how we want to live this life. Try not to regret anything. I don't regret falling in love, or trying to make him happy. What I regret is losing a part of myself, but that I will get back.

Best be trying to get some sleep so I can wake up for work.

Good Nightie Night World of Mystery. What will Tomorrow bring?

WOW. Just Wow.

So My luck is still on an incredible decline. All This Ex boyfriend crap, Been happy one day than for no reason I'll break down, now I am sick. Had a crying fit last night. Now TS' dad came by to get his stuff most of it is gone. But really you want all that when you don't have anywhere to put it? oh ya he took my Sim card for the phone, Really? How stupid are you, the Sim card is what has the account information Dumb ass. You gave me an empty useless phone Retard! Oh and I only got about 25% of my movies Back. Really? After all we've been through and you do this. FUCK YOU! Well try going into Telus to get it set up. I dare you. Oh and by the way next time I See your parents and the opportunity arises I am telling them the truth Asshole.

That you've been out of a job for a year and a half letting me support you. That most of what You have, are things I have bought you. I was hurt and alone and sad you weren't here with me. But now I could care less. You Slimy Rat Fucking Bastard.

I'm hoping that all this horrible fucking luck to me means yours is worse. And that hopefully My own luck since it has been so horrible will be very good soon. Heres to hoping. Thanks for letting me get that out.

Thanks World.

Wishing

I want my life back. I want some form of life back. I was happy, blissfully so. I had someone to share my life with, Had plans, had something to fight for, to get out of life. Now, well now I have nothing. No one to hold me, no one to kiss me goodnight. No one to share my life with. I found love twice in this life and both times it went to hell. Was ripped from my grasp at its prime. After the first time I never thought I could have that feeling again and I accepted that. I was content with that. Than I found someone who with a single look made time stand still. i never thought I would get that feeling again. But I found it, I had someone who cared about me back and wasn't just trying to please me. At least thats what i thought. But no, With the men I truely care for, the ones that make life worth living for me. They have to try, They have to put themselves through some sort of trial just to get through a day with me. Why? I am not that difficult? am i? That you need to try when I've always been myself. I may be shyer than I once was, or not want to party as much, but isn't that someone that isn't so bad. Guess it is.

I had love twice, had that love where time stands still and your heart feels full to the brim. That love that causes everything else to seem unimportant. Because they are the other half of your heart. How am I supposed to find that now? now that twice its ripped from me, Twice I have been standing there alone, my heart torn to pieces and scattered to the wind. I feel nothing I can't even cry right now, even though every pore and part of my being wants to. Wants to just let it out. But I can't because I have no one there.

Life just keeps getting worse with time not better. Never better. I am broken. Not worth fixing, well maybe for fun just to break me from the inside out again. How can I trust anything. tomorrow won't bring happiness or anything good. Time just brings pain and Torment. More hurt. Life goes on though right. You have to stand tall. I am not standing just I don't have the guts to fully give up. So guess i will just live. Live for the sake of living nothing more.

Good Day

I had a good day. Better than I have in a quite some time. I spent the day with my friends Jessi, Cal and their Wee one. It was nice to escape for a few hours, get away from this nothingness. They treated me to dinner, definitely haven't had that in a while. For so long now I've been the one paying for everything. And when I get the chance I am treating them as well. But for now the point is that they took care of me. When I needed it the most, when I am the one going through a tough time. I love my friends and I feel so bad at the distance I have put there in the past. I was so concerned with TS and how to make him happy I stopped allowing myself those simple pleasures. Like hanging out with friends that you know what, we have drama, we don't always get along like we should, But they are always there when I need them. I miss that, I forgot what it was like to have someone really listen to me, have them ask how my day was and really mean it. Not just ask for the sake of asking. I am far from perfect in many ways, especially when it comes to a relationship. With that said I have been thinking a lot about the relationship I had with TS. I know I didn't always listen, but he didn't either. It was more of a routine we went through than a relationship. He just wanted the same old thing, no matter how much he said differently. I mean I suggested so many things and waited for him to get ready, waited for him to get of Xbox or to turn off the TV. And When he wanted to do something, ya sometimes I flaked and just plain didn't want to, but mainly I was tired. I work 5 days a week, 9 & a half hour shifts (30 minute commute) and when I got home I was tired. I didn't always want to get coffee and I said no a few times just to be asked and asked. He had things so easy and I gave in a lot of the time. Ok almost all the time basically. When he really wanted something we went and did it. When I wanted for valentines Day to go to the beach and take a walk. We got in a fight. He thought I didn't know what I wanted or that I wanted something fancy. And when I told him my plan, he just got quiet and never even went, even though just before I told him he said he wanted to walk more, wanted to do things, go out and not just sit around. 


For Valentines day I wanted to wake up to a card, Something written by him, didn't have to be bought or come with chocolates or jewelery, just something from his heart. Than go to the beach after either making something to eat or subway would have been fine. And Just walk, talk a bit and hold each other. Than come home and watch Ghost our valentines movie. I really don't think that is very much to ask. Is it? Am I in denial maybe that I wasn't asking a lot when I really was. I don't know. I just know that when things could have changed they didn't. Now he has the biggest change, our relationship over. I still wish it wasn't I just want a chance to see, I know that will never happen. But I can still wonder right? Still wonder what he is doing at this moment. If he is even thinking of me at all. If he even cares about all this. 


All My life I have had bad relationships. I know one thing though and it upsets me, as well as makes me happy at the same time. All my Ex's at one time or another want me back. It upsets me because they did it they caused the messes, the pain and once I moved on, once they got settled in how they should have been its time to try again. They feel bad of what they did, and whether they actually want to get back together or they simply want to be friends it was after me not with me they turned into the people I knew they could be. I am happy though that they come back. Sad yes, but hear me out a moment. They come back knowing they Fucked up, knowing I didn't deserve it. Still doesn't make it hurt less. But thinking on that makes me feel a little bit better. And When TS asks for me back (don't mean to sound egotistical, but it always happens) I want to be able to stand up tall, proud of myself, know I am put back together. And tell him to go fuck himself for missing out on the best thing ever to happen in his life. Doubt I'll be able to because at this moment I just want to be in his arms again, to feel his kiss. But that's where I want to be. 


I need to realize that all the way to my bones if I am going to make it out of this Fucked up mess. I am trying even though my mind changes every ten seconds from I fucking hate him to I miss him and want him home. I know messed up right? I shouldn't let someone get to me like this. But it happened. I let it get to this place. 


On a lighter note, I was talking to Jess about the Etsy shop I am creating and what my dream is. To have my very own business selling my own creations. Polymer clay jewelery, Bead jewelery, Things I've knitted (scarves, hats etc), paintings, and sculptures. It was nice to talk about those things, so now I can get back to that dream. And do it for me because it's what I want to do, not because I need the extra money to make it through until the next paycheck. And I hope she would like to join me, help me with some designs. I think she will enjoy it as well. 

Well, enough for tonight. I have to go get my kitten before she knocks another box over.
Good Night World and the Creatures that dwell in it.

Putting life back on track.

I feel better today. Still stressed and unsure of whats going to happen  now. But definitely better. Had bonding with my Dad yesterday, some bonding with my mom today. Feels like things are getting somewhat back on track. I've messed up a lot of things in my life, especially recently. It is hard to know where to begin in fixing it. In making things better between my family and I. Between my friends and I there is a lot. Friends I haven't really been there for in quite some time, friends I stopped talking to as much because it bugged Thomas. I feel horrible and want to fix it. Not quite sure how, but I will find a way to do so.

Today is some me time though. Bonding with family, not getting out of my PJs, Maybe some art today. And just some plain old relaxing with Cozmo kitty, while we watch some Charmed or Angel. Maybe even play some Wii if I feel up to it later.

Still  have lots of worrying deep down, regrets and pain I don't want to show. I know it takes time, but I wish it didn't. At least now I can take some time to worry about me. To get my life back to where I want it. Pay off my own debt, no longer someone Else's. Save up for my own car and apartment. And hopefully sometime in the month of April I can start my Etsy shop and sell my own designs. That is the plan as of yet, I will do all I can do make that happen. Hopefully these things of drama won't put this on hold. Won't hold me back any longer.

Ta Ta for now World and all of its inhabitants.

Just a Waiting Game.

Finished a bit of the drama-fest today. It was good to get it over, I've been so nervous over it. Not something I ever want to go through again, EVER. Not going into more detail sorry. 


Got home and my brother went out. It was just myself and my dad, it doesn't happen that often. My mom was at work. You see I love my family, I love my Mom, my Brother and my Dad. But I was an, I guess you could say unruly Teen, did a lot of rebelling which caused many fights. Especially with my Dad, I get most of my stubbornness from him. Over the years though I understand him better. I get why he is the way he is. We can talk, a little. Not a serious heart to heart mind you but we share our interests. Today I had a good time, he bbq'd me some sausages for lunch, I showed him some of the things that interest me like some youtube videos (a day made of glass, The Makerbot, and the Hp touchpad). It was nice, later today he actually went to visit someone he works with to show them the day of glass video. Which means a lot to me. It was a good day. I needed that, with having to run that errand this morning I really expected for a crappy day filled of drama and just unpleasant.


Still really stressed because of the drama with me and my Ex. But slowly getting it out. Just have to try and be patient for this stupid call. I know there's a lot going on, but it really does feel as if no one on his side is considering my feelings, my schedule, just me at all. I didn't cause this and if I had a choice this would not be going on at all. I didn't. I got some nice words today too. Supposedly I am too nice and too patient. I guess reading this is a hard way to tell if I am or not. But I thought those qualities were good? Though anything can be bad in great abundance I suppose. 


I still have this feeling deep, down inside me that I deserve this. This torment and pain. I am a firm believer in Karma, so if this is happening and seem to be some sort of life story for me. Than what did I do that was so horrible to deserve this? How can I change that? How can I make sure I have that balance of doing good, and having good in my life? Great questions of life that no one can really answer. I can't shake this feeling though, I know I treated him like gold, I really did. He wanted beer, he got beer. He wanted an Xbox game, he got an Xbox game. He wanted to go out, he went out. I did so much, yet this is what I get in return. How is that fair in any way, shape or form.


Ugh. Still have a lot of things to figure out. But on a bit of a lighter note Here's some pictures of my kitten that made me smile yesterday.

sleepy...

And the stretching begins.

OMFG!! is that the Shaytards. :)

Good Night world and all those in it.

Packing.. .. Cleaning.. .. Quiet.. ..

Today, I got pretty much all of his stuff packed. My mom helped so we could get it all done and over with. Right now taking a little break my mom is vacuuming which is very nice. At this moment I don't really care but I know she wants to keep busy and help me get myself organized.


Break .. .. 
work.. .. 


And.. .. 
Ok done vacuuming. Bed has all new sheets and some new pillow. A few of his boxes just need to be taped up and some need the random stuff thats left. Put the phone he has of mine on hold so he can't use it.


 Its, strange, extra quiet. I know he's been gone a few days now but, it's starting to hit. that lonely empty feeling again. There should be the sound of an xbox going. Of laughing, swearing, talking. The sound of a movie going. Even the cat is quiet today. It's creepy. For about three years now that has been the sounds of my life. What I came home to after work, what the weekends were filled with. Now, just nothing. Emptiness, loneliness, Absolute quiet. It's strange how much someone can effect you, how those little matter so much. For example, I will never feel his touch again, never get another hug or feel his lips on mine. Never see him laugh at me on one of my blonde moments. Happened quite a bit. Never see him smile at me. Never get another kiss goodnight. I won't find his things randomly around. I'll even miss his messes and workout stuff. 


I had finally realized that he healed my heart from previous breaking, That he was my life. And that I could truely, honestly say that my heart in all its whole was his. Now this, .. .. this.. .. Nothing. Maybe That ruined it. Because I has told him that I had realized he was the only one who could make me cry. Sounds like a weird thing to be happy of, but over my life I have realized that only those I loved with my whole heart and soul can make me cry. And by telling him it ruined everything we had. I ruined what was once great, turned it into something ugly and hate filled. I can honestly say I still love him with all my heart but I know nothing can ever fix this. I will always love you TS. I wish you all the happiness I can. Hopefully one day you can figure things out and be where you wish to be. 


Goodnight World and readers of this tale. 

Waiting... ... ..

Well Today was a bust in some ways. My mother helped in in packing up most of my ex's stuff. But no one has given me a fucking call to tell me what is going on. Nice huh? Trying to find out what to do because he has a few of my things that I need like yesterday. Such as a phone that I am paying for. Yes I am an idiot and gave my bf a phone and paid for it fully. I know already know that was one of the stupidest things I've ever done. But what can ya do. I can't change whats done. What I want is to do SOMETHING! Some - Fucking - thing. All I am doing is packing. No one has had the decency to call me and say when I can get my stuff back and when someone will come get his. It's bullshit. Fucking Bullshit. And I want to apologize now for the most swearing I think I have ever done and hopefully will ever do in my blogging career. I normally don't swear too much, guess it's just been building and this seems like a good place to release it.


So Basically there are a few of his things to be packed away. Than its the waiting game but hopefully Tomorrow I will get that call and finally know what is happening. I feel sick not knowing. I mean physically sick, I feel like throwing up whenever I eat (which is only once a day and something small) Juice and milk aren't agreeing with me only water is. This stress, this unknowing it's getting to me big time. Wanted to let that out.


One last thought though. I've been thinking back on my life so far, and I really am Miss Unlucky. All I wanted for some time now was to get to that step where I can start a family. Have a baby, be a mom. Thinking back on all that, I have realized that it is just a dream. Unattainable. For

1. My luck with guys is well.. .. HORRID, They either cheat on me, Just leave, Move and forget to tell me we were over or like this last time make me fall head over heels in love just to let me find out I was the 3 fucking year rebound. Yay fucking Me. 
2. I am not that organized, I start things I don't finish. Don't get me wrong I am working on it. Just I need to straighten out what I want to do, how I want to do it first. Which may take a long time.
3. Sometimes I have enough trouble taking care of myself. I am not one to self motivate, For years my room has never been well clean. Working on that too but as I mentioned not that into cleaning. Trying to change that outlook. 
4. Financial Stability - not my forte, I am quite spontaneous and impulsive. Sales are my enemy. have already gotten a bit better. But I help other before I help myself guess you could say good and bad at the same time. Considering I have Supported my Ex while we were together for the last .. year.. and a half.

Ya, not proud of that last fact but, I did. I am not the smartest when it comes to that. You could say I have a lot of issue. Not going into that at this moment might make a full blog just about my issues. Would be longer than this for sure. But basically those are the main points on why it is only a dream.  Glad I got that out. Feel a little better. Should go before I make this any longer. 

One last thing to get out. 

FUUUUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE. I HOPE KARMA GIVES YOU WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE FUCKER. 

Done now. Thanks world for letting me get that out.

Pictures.

I am sitting here on my laptop taking a break from all of this Crap. About the 10th break today because I get some done and than it just becomes overwhelming. FUCK!
While on my break I was looking at the photos of me and my ex over these past few years. I still just can't believe it. We both look so happy in those pictures. Did I change that much to make him suddenly hate me? What really happened? I feel like just crying but I don't want to cry anymore over him. I don't. All this seems to not want to end though. I took a week off work to get all this sorted and now I find out I may have to take more time off work because of this Fucking crap. You fucking caused it, you tore out my heart and stepped on it til there was nothing left. And I am the one having to take time off of work. Sit around waiting for a phone call in "a few days". WHY? How is that fair? What did I do so horribly wrong in my life to deserve this.


You know just a little while ago we were talking of getting married, having kids and a house. Now it all feels like some strange dream. Like I woke out of a coma to find it was all a big Fucking lie. That none of it was real. I can't even say this to him. I can't ask why, or what I did wrong. I can't apologize to his mother for all the drama I caused. I can't do anything but sit here. Packing away all this fucking shit. Looking at these things we got together, pictures of us together, clothes he wore and his side of the bed where he slept next to me for just under 3 years. His stuff still has his scent. Wow. I am sad. Really sad that I fell for a guy who would make me so undone. So lost and overwhelmed.


FUCK. maybe tomorrow I will get the call and it will be all over come the weekend. Heres to hoping right.

Beginning of the End.

Hi.

Basically I decided that I wanted to start this blog because I need a place to vent. A place with no judgement where I can release for the most part anonymously. 

I won't start to far back but the basic gist so far is that My boyfriend of almost 3 years and I just broke up. I really thought things were fine for the most part. They were definitely bumpy, but I guess I was to oblivious to notice the soulless and loveless relationship I was in. Drama ensued and here I am alone, We're not talking which makes him getting back his stuff and getting my stuff back difficult. 

I can't really go into detail and to tell you the truth I don't want to either. But yet again I am so very alone like all my previous relationships before. Only difference is that this was my longest relationship. The longest relationship before this was officially 4 months. Fucking Sad huh? But welcome to my life. 

So here I am packing his stuff, trying to help my cat to realize he is not coming back. It's hard to take in. My cat rubs against his stuff, gives me that evil eye every time I say he's not coming back. It's like trying to tell a young child during a divorce whats going on. They don't understand. I don't even understand all this. I had a plan, a life, goals and now, what do I have? A half empty room full of good and bad memories. A cat we got together. Stuff we bought together. And a whole where my heart once was. 

Is this my fucking life? Alone with a bunch of cats like a spinster lady? Someone who will never get to have a family of her own? 

??WHY??